To this I say, please. PLEASE DO. PLEASE SAY, “I DO!”
It’s not rocket science. Everything in this video is the god’s honest truth. Why would a woman ever want a straight man who is messy, uncultured, threatening, and hates everything we like? Yes, I would love to go to see Les Miserables. Onstage. No, not with Anne Hathaway. But if I ever got to attend any theater production with a straight man, I’d think the sky was falling. Don’t get me started on the straight man way of “dancing.” Just scroll down, Channing Tatum, I already posted about this. I have more in common with gay men than anyone else in the universe. They share my love for rainbow jewelry and Adam Lambert. They will listen when I call them up drunk at 3am and will console me by saying, “Don’t worry, honey, everything will be okay. No, she’s not prettier than you, she’s a straight up skank!” Gay men would be the absolute most perfect things on this earth if only they would want to make out with me. Legit. If I could find one who’d marry me, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Take one for the goddamned team.
In other news, I really need to bleach my hair. My roots are no longer roots. It’s like a fucking ombre mess. Unfortunately, every time I go to get my hair done, it’s like $100+ and since I’m back in Retail Land, that $100 is needed for more important things, such as my phone bill, because if I can’t check Facebook 67 times a day, I’ll go through withdrawals. Okay, not really. But I honestly do need to pay my phone bill. I also need Draco Malfoy White hair. That’s what I said when I went in to get this new color: I want Draco Malfoy White. They should put that shit on the box. I bet everyone would buy it and instantly know what they were getting. Anyway, hopefully I can rectify this situation soon because my bangs have also grown out, and they are in that awkward stage where they’re not part of my real hair yet, which means an onslaught of headbands, and they won’t look cute like the ones Blair Waldorf wears. Don’t spoil me on Gossip Girl. I’m still on season three. Shut up.
Lastly, I wanted to take this time to say that I don’t understand why the new Punk Goes Pop album (volume 5) is full of screaming. Okay, that shit’s like…fake ass metal. Or screamo. I mean, it’s not even good screaming like My Chemical Romance. It’s a hot fucking mess. When I hear a cover of “Call Me Maybe” I want it to be full of guitars and a distortion pedal, not this shit that makes my throat hurt just by listening to it. What happened? The other albums are really great. This one is just…really terrible. Are these bands even popular? I’ve only heard of Breathe Carolina (and the screaming on their cd doesn’t make any sense either). Am I getting that old that I can’t listen to “punk” anymore? Nah. I think it’s more that these bands just blow.
Aren’t you glad you stayed awake to read this?