Disney Movie Marathon #4 – Tarzan (Where There’s More Death Than a Morgue)

Remember back a loooong time ago when I said the next movie in my marathon was going to be one I had never seen before?  And then I skipped it to talk about what a hot mess Dumbo is?  Well, let’s hop in the time machine.  The Disney movie I had never seen before was Tarzan.  I know, right?  When this came out, I thought I was too old for Disney movies or something, and other than the fact that *NSYNC performed a song for the soundtrack, I had no desire at all to see it.  I don’t even know why that was a draw because BSB 4 LIFE~~ but I digress.  Plus, Phil Collins did the soundtrack, and I was not at all pleased that the characters in the movie wouldn’t be singing the songs.  Yeah, I’m an idiot.  But we all know this now.  So, I rented this beast from Netflix and spent one Saturday morning bawling my eyes out.

Now, you all know the spoiler from Bambi, right?  The thing that made millions of children cry their little hearts out?  Dude, Bambi is a drop in the bucket compared to Tarzan.  In the first ten minutes of the movie, I went through a box of Kleenex.  Seriously.  I just….holy crap.  Way to depress people before the main character is even out of diapers.  In case you’re like me and glossed over this movie entirely, I don’t want to ruin it for you….well….I guess I already did in the title.  So whatever.  A goddamned giant jungle cat kills Tarzan’s parents, leaving this abandoned human baby in a tree house for Meow Mix.  Luckily, a mama gorilla picks him up, and then we can move on from there.  NO FOOLIN’ TEN MINUTES IN AND TWO PEOPLE ARE DEAD.  Actually, if you count the mama gorilla’s monkey baby, three people died in the first ten minutes.  That’s bullshit, Disney.

After that, the movie peters out until Tarzan grows up and gets ripped.  His best friends are a monkey named Terk (played by Rosie O’Donnell) and a baby elephant who is scared of everything.  Oh, and his adopted gorilla dad hates him.  But then, he saves Jane from some evil herd of baboons, and it’s like kismet.  Disney fate!  The angels sing!  You know how this goes.  He realizes that Jane is the same as he is, and Tarzan learns to talk and all about humans by Jane playing teacher and by watching filmstrips.  There’s a really cute part where he picks her flowers.  I swoon.  The end.  Meanwhile, all Jane wants to do is go watch some monkeys, but Tarzan refuses to bring her home with him until he realizes she’s going back to England.  Then, he takes her back with him, everyone gets pissed off because he’s fucking up the ecosystem or something, and this evil jungle guide Jane and her dad had with them decides that oops, he’s a a poacher, and is going to capture and kill all the monkeys.  Big giant monkey fight.  Tarzan saves the day.  And the evil poacher ACCIDENTALLY HANGS HIMSELF.  What?!?!?!?!  Disney…for real, now.  I can’t take all this death.  I did not sign up to watch a Quentin Tarantino film.

Anyway, Jane and her dad decide to stay with Tarzan in the jungle, everyone gets half naked and makes clothes out of vines, the end.

The soundtrack that I bitched about when I was little is actually really great.  It’s completely better than the soundtracks from previous movies like Pocahontas (what a waste of a film, but I’ll get to that when it comes up in my queue).  “Strangers Like Me,” ugh, can we talk about it?  It’s probably one of the most perfect songs in existence.  I sing it all the time.  And not even on purpose.  It just comes into my head, and I have to belt out, “I wanna know!  Can you shoooooooow me?” as loud as humanly possible.  It’s the *NSYNC song that’s probably the worst one in the film.  Whoops.

All in all, I’m glad I got to see something new when I rented this off Netflix.  I don’t know why or how I avoided it for so long, because unlike all the direct-to-DVD sequels, I didn’t have a purpose for choosing not to watch this.  Even if I cried for 80 minutes.  So much for a light-hearted movie about some half naked dude.

Next time, hold on tight as I watch a live action…direct-to-DVD sequel.  You’ve been warned.

Featured image from weheartit.com and/or tumblr.

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