Unless you have somehow discovered a magical way to buy every single thing you will ever need online (I still haven’t found a Taco Bell that delivers after you hit ‘confirm purchase’), you have probably been to a store. At said store, a human being (I know, shocker!) has probably rung up your purchase. You have more than likely even exchanged money or a credit card or have (gasp!) touched someone else! The horror! Who do these people think they are? They’re taking your money in exchange for goods and services! Well, welcome to reality, these lovely retail associates are just doing their jobs. And guess what? You’re probably being really rude to them, along with society as a whole, just because you believe they’re ripping you off or any number of excuses you give because parting with your cash is such a travesty for you. Sure, they get paid to stand behind a counter and accept money, but trust me, it’s not enough to make life worthwhile. Honestly, it’s probably not even enough money to live on. So cut retail employees a break. Stop making their lives hell. Here are five reasons why you’re a bad customer. Read these and knock them off and you might just make a sales associate’s (okay, you just might make my) day.
1. You bring outside food into the store.
First off, if there’s a big sign that says NO OUTSIDE FOOD ALLOWED, what makes you think you’re beyond the sign? What did the sign ever do to you? If you’re two years old, and say, can’t read a sign, then you may be forgiven (but what are you doing in a store without a parent anyway…), but there is a reason that sign is in place. It’s a goddamned warning to keep your Starbucks or your french fries or, the worst of them all, your Flaming Hot Cheetos, away from the merchandise. Not only do you make a gigantic mess and not clean it up, but there’s the added bonus of when you go to reach for your money, that your hands are disgusting and full of sticky red powder. And now your money is full of sticky red powder. And now I have to touch your sticky red powder. It’s gross and unsanitary and it makes baby kittens cry. I know you just can’t wait a whole 20 seconds for me to push six buttons on my register and tell you a price before you dig your unwashed hands into a greasy bag of popcorn. It’s in a bag. Usually more than one. It’s not like I am pouring butter-covered kernels into your hands. Jesus Christ, don’t shove four handfuls of popcorn into your greedy mouth before you touch your $20 bill so now I am touching your grease by association. I won’t even mention how you’ll probably spill half of it on your way out and leave me with a nice gift of your chewed up gum you spit on the floor. There’s a garbage can ten feet away. Are you telling me you’re so lazy that you can’t take five steps (which you will take anyway because it’s on your way out of the store) to spit your gum in the trash? You’re so gross.
2. You keep your money in your bra, armpit, sock, etc.
To go along with #1, no one wants to touch your money that’s been near a place where you sweat. It doesn’t make it any better if you turn around to attempt to wedge your debit card from underneath your bra strap. There is only one point in time where keeping stuff on your person is acceptable, and that is if a: you wear a bra and b: you are at the bar, not carrying a purse, don’t have pockets, and don’t have a boy to hold your ID and/or money. That’s IT. You have a purse the size of a football helmet. PUT YOUR MONEY IN YOUR GODDAMNED PURSE. I don’t want to have to smell your B.O. just because you want to buy a Diet Pepsi. As another added bonus, your money is probably wet and makes the cash drawer a hot mess. Nobody is going to be able to carry, let alone steal, your gigantic bag that cost more than I make in a month. You’re still so gross.
3. You ignore all visible signage.
Taped right onto the counter or next to the register are a few simple signs. Some of them don’t even have words; they’re mere pictures that suggest a thought or idea. For example, those little cardboard rectangles that have two circles interlocked together and say the word “MASTERCARD” on them means that yes, we do take credit cards, including your beloved debit card that has the word “MASTERCARD” plastered all over it. So when you come in, don’t even say hello or acknowledge that I greeted you and bark at me “DO YOU TAKE CREDIT CARDS?” and then look stupefied when I point to the visual representations of all the credit cards we accept, and proceed to speak louder and ask the same dumb ass question like I didn’t hear you the first time, you’re a moron. When you ask for change and I point to the sign that states “WE DO NOT GIVE OUT CHANGE,” and then act like I’m killing your puppy because I won’t give you four quarters and then start arguing with me about it like I should open my drawer for no reason just so you, your highness, can catch the bus, you need to get a clue. But if you can’t read a price tag that is stuck on every single thing we sell and continually demand for me to tell you how much something costs when it is RIGHT THERE IN YOUR FACE, just get out. You’re not going to buy it anyway. Open your eyes.
4. You cut in front of people in line/you take over the counter when you’re not ready to check out.
Why do people do this? No really. You see the line that’s four people deep, all of them being A+ customers and either holding their future purchases or carrying them in a shopping bag/basket/cart we readily provide, and you think you can just jump in front of the person who I’m currently ringing up, take up valuable counter space with your 14 bags of salt and sour chips and then glare at me when I ignore you and push your stuff out of the way. Seriously? How rude are you?? Just because you are too ignorant to glance up from your texts doesn’t mean you can storm in front of people who are patiently waiting. Get to the back of the line. As for part B, if you are the only person in here or have a huge purchase, by all means, I will hold your stuff at the front while you continue to shop. But if there’s a line forming and I ask if you’re ready to check out and you proceed to hold up said line because three of your four kids haven’t found what they want yet, why did you come to the register in the first place? Do you think you’re so special that I’m going to stand here and wait for ten minutes while I have other people who ARE ready to check out rolling their eyes at you? Just because you think you’re the shit, doesn’t mean anyone else does.
5. You think it’s funny to touch/attempt to touch the cashier and/or make inappropriate comments.
I don’t get paid to put up with harassment, hon. Get out, or I will call security to escort you out. You never EVER inappropriately touch someone at their workplace. You don’t try to shove me or grab my arm or touch my hair. As for you…you’re just an overall asshole along with being a bad customer. Peace out.
I know this is the second rant I’ve done about this, including some Black Friday post I made a couple of years ago over on tumblr. Let’s be real, there are so many more reasons why you’re a bad customer. This is the song that never ends. Yes, it goes on and on, my friends…